When my good friend Mark emailed me the job description for the Charmin Ambassadorship, he said, “Annie, I've found the perfect job for you!” I read the posting, and my first thought was: “Yes! I can do that! I AM extremely enthusiastic! And, I really, really like going to the bathroom!”
I put the date on my calendar and began asking friends what I should plan to do for the audition. Should I wrap myself in toilet paper like a mummy? Or completely coat myself in sparkles from head to toe? I thought about my colorful wig collection and wondered if any of those could help my situation. Would having purple hair help? The morning of the audition, I put on a silver sparkle dress, looked in the mirror, and decided that it wasn't right. I felt too cold in the strappy sleeveless outfit, and I decided that I had to be comfortable in order to be confident. I put a skirt instead, sprinkled just a tiny smidgen of sparkles on my face and headed toward the subway.
When I arrived at the Hilton Hotel on 53rd Street, I went straight to the bathroom (I really had to go), and I thought to myself, "Wow, I really AM qualified for this job!" I got a text from my friend, wishing me good luck. I wrote back, telling her about my sparkle wardrobe dilemma of the morning. She replied, "yes, but you're packing REAL sparkles on the inside!" That was a definite boost. I thought to myself, "Ok, I've GOT to sparkle from the inside out!" When I went upstairs, I was struck with the sheer number of people that were there. A guy at the door handed me a piece of paper with #401 written at the top, and told me that it would be a while. I looked for an empty chair to sit down -- there were rows and rows of people waiting. Some had cowboy outfits, costumes constructed from cardboard boxes, and homemade hats with feathers. It was an incredibly diverse group, so I sat and watched people practicing their toilet paper dance sequences.
After about four hours, they called my number and I hopped up in line with nine other people. We were escorted up the elevator to another hallway, with several lines at different doors. As I waited, I thought about what I was going to say during my 90-second opportunity. When the door opened, I was ushered into a room with a camera that was already rolling. I smiled a big, genuine smile. The man behind the table asked me questions in a disinterested voice, but I just kept sparkling as much as possible. From the inside, I felt a strong ray of actual, genuine confidence. I left the room with a card that said "Call Back!"
The next day, I wore sparkles on my face again, for good luck at the 2nd audition. This time, I spoke to the 7 people behind the table and the rolling camera about how much I love exploring bathrooms all over the world, and how I love talking to all sorts of different kinds of people -- really anyone and everyone! I really felt perfect for the job, but I knew that with hundreds of applicants, it was a long shot.
It was another whole week before Charmin called. When they offered me the job... I literally bounced off the wall! Really?! Me?! A toilet paper ambassador?! Just what I always wanted! I must say, I'm THRILLED!! I'm EXCITED!! I can't wait! My inner sparkle has been awakened!
- Annie
As one of Annie's best friends since childhood, I can say without a smidge of doubt that Annie is undoubtedly the BEST possible choice for toilet paper ambassador. She loves to SQUEEZE everything and everybody! Yay Annie! You are the BEST! (And Charmin is pretty good TP too)
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